This Saturday, it will be 4 months since we held our sweet boy for the first time. Those were indescribable moments. There was good and there was bad… it went much further than “bittersweet”, and the moments since then have often been the same… indescribable… good. bad. different.

Reid has done better than many of his “seoul friends” are doing. However, that does not mean this is easy in any way. People ask us all of the time, “how’s he doing?” “is he adjusting well?”. Most of the time, I just answer, “we’re doing pretty good.” “He’s doing better than we expected.”. But, OH, that is my easy answer. There is no way to explain to anyone what this is like… unless they have lived it. This is hard… REALLY HARD! We’ve been pleasantly and not so pleasantly surprised by many things on this journey. Over a week ago, we were having a really hard week, and I was tired… physically and emotionally. Every ounce of patience I had was gone, and things were not necessarily pretty around here.

So, I did what any mom in that situation would do. I threw a pity party. A really big one. I felt sorry for myself and when that wasn’t enough, I vented to my closest friends. Honestly, partly because I needed to vent. I REALLY needed to vent… and partly because I wanted them to join my pity party too. They were amazing friends and listened to me as I unloaded, but more importantly, they prayed for me and for Reid. The week got a little better, and I felt some calm return.

Then, on Saturday, Ryan and I were able to go to the Chris Tomlin concert. It was an amazing time of praise and worship. It was time with my husband and it was time with my Savior. I did not know how much I needed this until I was there singing to the Lord of Lords. The One who never leaves us nor forsakes us. The One to whom I have given my life to.

So, I stood there singing this song with tears streaming down my face, and couldn’t believe what He was saying to me as I sang.

I lay me down
I’m not my own
I belong to you alone
Lay me down Lay me down
Hand on my heart
This much is true
There’s no life apart from you
Lay me down
Lay me down
Oh oh oh
Lay me down Lay me down

Letting go of my pride
Giving up all my rights
Take this life and let it shine
Take this life and let it shine

It will be my joy to say
Your will Your way

You see, I was trying to do this on my own. I was still holding on to my pride and my rights… And friends, let me tell you, this journey is not for the proud, and you have no rights! I don’t say that begrudgingly. I say it with true sincerity. I say it knowing that Ryan and I chose to do this for Him… not for us. Yes, we reep amazing blessings from this choice… ABSOLUTELY AMAZING BLESSINGS. However, as I stood there on Saturday with my arms raised towards the heavens, I realized I was still trying to do this my way and it was time to Lay Me Down. It was time do this His way.