I am sooooo ready to not be pregnant.  I'm pretty uncomfortable at this point as all mamas understand.  I do fine throughout the day but am close to miserable by nightfall.  However, while I am so ready to meet sweet Evangeline Kait, I am getting scared.  The memories of Maggie's first days are all coming back quite vividly. 

I remember my amazingly easy labor – 3 hours from start to finish – and 1 hour was spent waiting for my dr. to get out of a c-section.  I remember holding my sweet baby girl… all 7 pounds and 8 ounces of her.  She was perfect except for the big scratch across her forehead.  I held her, nursed her, and couldn't wait to get her home and start our life together as a family of 4.  She had an Easter dress and basket waiting for her in her room.  Her big brother, my sweet 19 month old baby boy, was ready for us to be home and so were we. 

Then, in a moment, life changed drastically.  Through her discharge exam, we learned that our sweet Maggie Jane had a very broken heart and that she would be transferred to SLCH within the next hour.  Our world as we knew it came crashing down around us and we were left wondering how to move, how to breathe, and how to live. 

That is what I'm afraid of.  I am terrified that what seems to be our life, will change in an instant.  That is what I was thinking about this morning in the van on the way to a playdate.  I was full of fear.  I was singing along to a song on our local Christian radio station and praying silently for Evie and for us.  For the life of me, I can't remember what the name of the song was, but one of the lines said, "Why am I afraid" and I sang along with it thinking, how ironic.  Then, from the seat behind me, my beautiful, almost 3 yr. old, miracle girl says, "You don't need to be afraid, Mama because God is here.  Right?"  "Yes, baby girl, that is right." 

I am not joking!  I couldn't believe it.  My eyes filled with tears and I just started smiling.  Just as my sweet little girl said, God is here, and I do not need to be afraid.

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